Victorian OneHalf
by MadPanda
Summary: Wherein Our Hero ends up in the wrong dimension with some unusual acquaintences and commits several acts of derringdo in appropriate style. NOT to be taken seriously.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The author of the following narrative entertainment wishes it known that the various principals involved, specifically the characters from the whimsical periodical known as Ranma ½, are here used with neither the knowledge nor the permission of their creator. Neither are the elements of the world of Castle Falkenstein his, and all rights and privileges for these materials remain in the hands of those who by law carry them. It ought also be advised that some characters shall not remain as they are commonly perceived, and many unusual events will unfold. While reviews are accepted, we ask that you remain civil and above all do not seek to inform us of these deviations, given that you are hereby warned of them beforehand. Thank you.

**Victorian One-Half**

A Brief Prologue To Our Tale 

(in which certain unpleasant details must be noted)

To begin with, best beloved, you must understand that Saotome Ranma was missing and presumed dead. One fine afternoon in late spring, just after school, his reluctant fiancée had propelled him skywards with her mallet of feminine fury. The cause of her ire was an unfortunate misunderstanding over a misheard statement by the young stalwart. This, I must sadly hasten to note, was considered perfectly normal by the locals, which tells you a great deal about the young man's life up until that point—all that was wrong with the world was laid, more or less directly, upon his young shoulders.

_Everything was always his fault, and if there was any ever doubt on that point one needed only ask his primary fiancée, her father, his father, or any of his many rivals. Even his other fiancées would agree that the continuing argument over who would wed him had only gone on so long because __he__ was indecisive (equally binding yet mutually exclusionary demands on his personal honor notwithstanding)._

_I mention these things, best beloved, so that you will understand why nobody bothered to worry when he failed to reappear at once. After all, he might have been with one of his many fiancées, or on a training trip, or simply sulking like the dishonorable little girl his father said he was. It took a week before the full impact of his absence was felt. By then, the fog of suspicion had settled over the household where he had been a guest. Mutual recriminations and suspicions flew, beatings happened, and all through it the one person most directly responsible for his disappearance, his most reluctant fiancée, maintained that it was 'that pervert's' responsibility. All this anger and suffering, all because a young man happened to disobey the common wisdom that what goes up inevitably returns to earth again._

_Would that I could lie and say that because of his absence Tendo Akane learned anything of worth! Oh, she learned lessons: her sister Kasumi found an excellent counselor for her, and the angry young woman finally got a much-needed opportunity to put her life back into perspective. Her own sins were laid bare for her to examine, and she dealt with this as well as any other person might. As for the others…some of them also sought counseling, but most just drifted on like anchor-less boats along an alien shore, obeying the sirens calling them to new fixations. We need not dwell on them just yet. For now, let us consider the other Tendos and Saotome Genma._

_The loss of his son hit the old panda very hard, harder perhaps than anyone expected it might. He simply disappeared one night, leaving nothing behind save for a note apologizing for all the trouble. He became a ghost, tracked only by hints and rumors: he turned himself in and went to prison. He committed seppuku. He was back on the road with Happosai and terrorizing Tahiti. He was in America, riding with the Hells' Angels. What the truth might be, not even Tendo Nabiki could determine with any certainty._

_With the loss of his fondest dream and his best friend, Tendo Soun shattered for the last time. He spent his days next to the _shogi_ board, composing solemn _haiku_ and chain-smoking cheap cigarettes. _

Kasumi took over as the head of clan and made arrangements for her father's care as best she could. In her turn, the young woman sought out and proposed marriage to Doctor Tofu…on the condition that he take the Tendo name. Negotiations on that matter were delicate and protracted, but the wedding was probably going to happen within a year.

_Nabiki departed to attend Todai University after making sure there would be more than enough money to keep the estate in the family in spite of the inheritance tax, just in case Daddy 'forgot' to give it to Kasumi as a wedding present. Of all the players in this little drama, she escaped with the fewest direct scars. There is perhaps little justice in that, but these things do happen._

_Akane dealt with things one step at a time. She returned to school after a brief absence. The Hentai Horde, leaderless after Kuno Tatewaki's graduation, left her alone. Her few remaining friends closed around the guilt-ridden and grieving girl like bodyguards. The matter of Ranma's disappearance was simply not discussed. It was also not forgotten: Akane, once among the most popular girls at Furinkan High, became its most obvious pariah. She even dated Gosunkugi Hikaru a few times out of sheer desperation. Nothing ever came of these dates, for which she was later quite grateful._

_Then, best beloved, almost a year to the day after the last part of the great house of cards came crashing down, Akane returned from school to find her father passed out on the back deck and a strangely familiar young man seated at the dining room table. He had neatly cut short black hair pulled back in a ponytail, some sort of antique uniform, and Kasumi's full attention. He looked up when she came into view, and for just a moment she was lost in those warm blue-grey eyes and that all too familiar smile._

"Ra…Ranma?"

"In the flesh. Hello again, Miss Akane. You look well."

"Ranma? Is…you look…you…" Akane sat, her mouth opening and closing in astonishment. "But you…you're dead!"

"Am I?" Ranma made a show out of patting himself gingerly. "No…no…I am very sorry to disappoint you, but I'm very much alive. I have simply been away." He smiled politely. "There was an extraordinarily strange event, quite improbable in scope, which has occupied my time until recently."

Akane shook her head. "I…this is…where were you? What happened? When did you get so formal?" She swallowed. "Why…why come back?"

"There are certain matters which might require delicate handling in order to achieve harmonious closure." Another polite smile touched his lips. "As it appears that my sire has decided to flee even this responsibility, I suppose it falls to my humble skills to resolve everything. I wish I could say that this was a surprise."

Akane glanced at Kasumi, who giggled softly and translated: "Ranma-kun felt it would only be proper to return and set all his affairs in order."

"Oh. You'll be leaving again?" Akane could not keep a hint of disappointment out of her voice. Much as she had fought tooth and nail against the engagement, much as she had struggled to come to grips with her strange, clueless, sex-changing fiancé, the thought of losing him again was hard to swallow.

"That, I regret to inform you both, is quite possible." He coughed politely. "It is not yet a given, however. I might find it in my heart to remain here, assuming my return will not cause more difficulties than my unanticipated departure?"

Akane turned to Kasumi once more. "Ranma-kun might stay, but only if he thinks things won't go crazy again," the elder sister provided.

"Just so," he nodded.

"Ranma?"

"Yes, Miss Akane?"

"When did you get so formal? And what's with the uniform? Where have you been, you _baka_?" Akane, very much against her will, found the old anger returning. She also found herself crying openly. "I thought I'd killed you!"

Ranma just smiled. "I've had elocution and etiquette lessons from a lady of genuine breeding. The uniform is an honorary one, courtesy of a friend. As to my whereabouts…ah, but I do not think you would find it of interest. I am returned. Shall that not suffice?"

Kasumi smiled at him. "Please, Ranma-kun? You always have the most interesting stories!"

"If it means that much to you, Miss Kasumi, then I shall have no choice but to oblige." He glanced at Akane. "Yes, you did nearly kill me. However, if memory serves, ours was not the most placid of relationships. While the majority of this was the doing of our fathers, I bear my own share of the blame for what transpired. And as you will learn, had you not acted as you did, then many innocent people might have suffered. For their sakes, if not my own, I bear you no ill will for your actions."

He leaned back, knit his fingers together around one knee, and began his tale.

"This all started during what passed for a normal day at Furinkan High School. In the course of a misunderstanding, Miss Akane launched me skywards with her mallet. Under normal circumstances I might have expected to return to _terra firma_ swiftly enough. On that day, however, something most extraordinary happened…"

Chapter the First 

(in which Our Hero gets a headache and meets some familiar faces)

Reflect for a moment, best beloved, on what has been described thus far. Our hero was trapped between equally compelling arrangements. He was forced to dwell amongst those who made him a scapegoat for all their iniquities. At the same time, he was constantly berated for his inability to undo the Gordian Knot of his life from within. Lesser men would have gone mad, and only his peculiar blend of ignorance and stubbornness preserved him from that fate. This is not to say that he did not have faults of his own! Far from it…but when he was accused of error, he was not granted positive lessons to accompany them and thus seek the proper forms of behavior.

_One __might__ almost be tempted to see the hand of Providence, if not the whimsy of Fate, in what transpired that afternoon. His intended did indeed launch him by means of her instrument of feminine vengeance, and he flew high over the township of Nerima. However, for reasons insufficiently clear to this author, on this particular occasion he also chanced upon a tear in the dimensional wall and shortly thereafter collided with an unexpected obstacle._

_His narrative resumes along with the return of consciousness and is told from here forward in the third person for the sake of clarity._

Ranma awoke with a splitting headache…and backache…and body-ache, for that matter, as if he had been body-slammed by Ryoga. Lifting his head, he blinked in confusion. This was not the guest room at the Tendos! This was neither Doctor Tofu's office, nor the Nurse's Station at Furinkan High. It was small and neat to the point of being spartan, like a ship's cabin. From somewhere came the sound of an engine. Was he on a train? No, no clickety-clack of tracks from underneath. A ship, then? But this ship did not rock upon the waters. The riddle would have occupied him for a while if the sound of approaching footsteps had not distracted him.

The door swung open, and for a moment Ranma nearly panicked! Before him stood Happosai, but not as he had ever seen the diminutive master. For one thing, the tiny pervert now sported a full silky white beard, a workman's cap, and coveralls.

"Oh," Happosai commented in a gruff tone. "You're awake. Stay here, boy, while I fetch the Doctor."

The door closed. Ranma blinked. Was that Happosai? The little old man had not sounded like the panty-thieving bane of Ranma's life…

The door swung open again almost at once, and a man who might have been Doctor Tofu's older brother stepped inside. Happosai followed with him, leaning in the doorframe and crossing his arms. Ranma suffered the Doctor's poking and prodding for a few moments, idly noting that while he looked like Doc Tofu with ten more years on him and a mustache, the man had a very different style.

"How do you feel, my lad? Any soreness? Ringing in the ears? Lightheadedness?"

"Uh…yeah. I hurt all over. No ringing in the ears or nothin'." Ranma's stomach growled. "Yeah, yeah, and I'm a bit hungry. What hit me, anyway?"

"The hull," Happosai snorted, only to be shushed by Doctor Tofu.

"My curmudgeonly companion speaks the truth: you collided with our vessel at a fair velocity. Put quite the hole in it, to boot. And yet here you are, still very much alive."

"A ship? In Nerima?"

"Ah. We're in Yokohama, my dear boy. You must have rattled your brains in the collision. Still, you seem to be healthy." Ranma's stomach growled again. "Very healthy indeed," the Doctor chuckled. "I shall report your status to the owner, and then I believe she will wish to speak with you about the damages."

"Damages?" Ranma winced. Not again!

"You did put a hole in the hull," Happosai grumbled. "We'll have to put in for repairs. That won't be cheap, not here. Not even if we simply buy the material and fix her ourselves."

"That's for Her Ladyship to determine. Keep an eye on him, would you? I must make my report." Doc gave Ranma a polite smile. "Chin up, lad. I doubt it will be all that bad." He left Ranma and Happosai to glower at each other.

"Sorry 'bout the boat," Ranma frowned. "Ain't like I aimed for it, ya know."

"Likely true," the Dwarf grudgingly admitted after a moment. "Quite likely true. Still makes me wonder how you got up all this way."

"Up? What d'ya mean, up? Doc said we're in Yokohama…"

"More or less." Happosai grinned wickedly. "This is an aeroship. We're two thousand feet up."

Ranma stared at the short, bearded man, and stared…and stared some more, waiting for him to announce that this was a joke, that he was just fooling. Had he found the words, doubtless some general remark on the ability of an uncute tomboy to use her gorilla-like strength to propel his person to such an unlikely altitude would have been forthcoming. Instead, even as the Dwarf leered at him with ill-disguised amusement, Ranma received his next shock.

Kuno Kodachi appeared in the doorway, and at once he flailed against the bedclothes, trying to defend himself from the incoming rose of drugged sleep or glomp of death or whatever attack she would make while still seeking to gain more distance between them. Certain details took a moment to sink in—she was older, her hairstyle was different, and unless Kodachi had taken to dressing in something archaic and Western, her Victorian dress was almost certainly not from the Kuno wardrobe. Then the woman turned to speak to the Happosai lookalike, and all similarity fell from Ranma's mind.

"Are you quite certain he's still sane? The boy acts like a lunatic," she said in a crisp voice, more like Nabiki's than Kodachi's. "Or perhaps I am suddenly frightening to behold?"

"S-sorry," Ranma muttered. "Thought ya were someone else…"

"Indeed," the woman narrowed her eyes. "Doctor Simms says you are well enough, considering your manner of arrival. What is your name, boy?"

"I'm Saotome Ranma. Uhm. Sorry 'bout this."

"I see." She turned to the Dwarf. "Find him something decent to wear, if you please, and bring him out to the bow. Let him understand the nature of his predicament." Then she swept out.

Happosai chuckled softly. "Ah, you've insulted Her Ladyship! I'd feel sorry for you if you hadn't damaged Thomas."

"Thomas?"

"The ship. Let's get you some proper clothes. All will be explained before we throw you back over the side, I'm sure."

In short order this was done, although the only spare clothing they had that fit Ranma properly was a regimental officer's uniform from Her Ladyship's quarters. While the Dwarf (who eventually disclosed that his name was Sparklebrook) found this amusing, he would not explain why. After making sure that Ranma was presentable, he led the boy up onto the deck, chortling all the while.

Here, Ranma found that his hosts were not deceiving him in the slightest—while the city spread out below him was indeed Tokyo by the coastline, he could not make out more than a few of the most ancient of landmarks! This, he supposed, was what Tokyo must have looked like a hundred or so years in the past. Other than that…well, thanks to Akane, he'd seen Nerima from the air often enough.

"Wow…"

At the bow, the Dwarf introduced him briefly to Doctor Simms, another tall man with a shaggy mane of blonde hair clad in a red velvet suit whose name was apparently Simon, and…

"Her Ladyship the Honorable Victoria Elizabeth Walsingham, Countess without Portfolio."

Kuno Kodachi's lookalike regarded Sparklebrook with an icy glance.

"The Ship's Engineer is technically correct," she conceded with a tone that implied that this was not a point she enjoyed mentioning. "I am of rank, but not necessarily of title. And you, young man, you are…Saotome Ranma, you said. You are Japanese."

"Uhm, yeah." Ranma rubbed the back of his neck and laughed nervously. "Sorry about the hull. I didn't mean to, but I guess the tomboy really put her back into it."

The blonde man suddenly sneezed. "Milady?"

"Quiet, Simon. What do you mean with this nonsense about tomboys?"

Ranma sighed. "My fiancée has a temper, okay? I said something, she took it wrong, and kapowie! Here I am."

Another sneeze. "Milady? A word?" Simon sounded suddenly miserable, as if his sinuses had suddenly clogged up.

"And you expect that I shall believe this? That a ruffian such as yourself might insult a lady, that I can believe all too well! But that she might indelicately take to such a violent response as to propel you this high against the laws of physics…Simon, will you control yourself?"

Simon blurted miserably. "I am, as you know, _quite_ allergic to dimensional energies. Our guest reeks abominably of the very same!"

As he lapsed into another sneezing fit, the Countess looked at Ranma a little more carefully.

"_You_ are an engaged man? I find this somewhat improbable."

"Yeah, I am," Ranma sighed. At least knowing that this wasn't really Kodachi made it a _little_ easier to relax. "Eight times that I know about. Prob'ly dozens that I don't. It's all Pop's fault, before ya ask. I ain't no pervert, whatever the tomboy thinks."

The Countess blinked. "I see. Or rather, I do not see. But Simon's nose is quite sensitive about such matters, and there is a certain delicious irony involved if he is correct about you."

She smiled, and Ranma almost wished she'd go back to glaring—it was a calculating smile, very much like Nabiki's!

"Doctor, is our Wild Horse in reasonably good health, aside from his poor breeding and worse manners?"

"Actually, yes. There are a number of old injuries and scars that I noticed while examining him, but other than those, he appears quite healthy considering the speed with which he hit us."

The scheming smile widened.

"Have you any skills, boy?"

Ranma would regret his answer for some time: "I'm the heir to the Anything Goes school of Martial Arts," he said out of sheer reflex. "I'm the best there is!"

"Modesty is obviously not one of your strong points," the Countess observed. "What else?"

"What else? Uhm…_is_ there anything else?"

"Oh dear. Oh, dear me. You would seem to be rather focused on one particular activity. And…the heir to a family style of Oriental pugilation, is it?"

Simon sneezed again, whipped out a handkerchief, and blew his nose before commenting miserably: "The martial arts, Milady, are hardly mere fisticuffs! As it may interest you, some of my local kinfolk play patron to certain clans who practice the same. If our…ahhhh-choo! If our guest is as good as he says, your problem is solved."

"Huh?" Ranma tilted his head. "Whaddya mean?"

Simon sneezed violently, fixing a baleful and red-rimmed glare in Ranma's general direction. "Although a touch more education might not go amiss," he added.

"I agree," the Countess nodded. "Nonetheless. You say you are the best?"

"Been trainin' since I could walk," Ranma puffed out his chest. "My old man took me on a ten year training trip, too."

"That would explain some of the injuries," Doctor Simms muttered.

The woman nodded soberly.

"I see. Are there any other interesting tidbits I ought to know before I decide on your fate?"

This, of course, is the cue for some form of cold water to strike our hero and trigger that transformation which is the central paradox of his frenzied struggle for sanity. In this case, the cause was poor Simon, who at that very moment was attempting to chase a curative with a large glass of cool water. A sneeze came upon the miserable fellow and as might be expected our hero was in the path of the resulting redistribution of fluid.

Dripping wet, looking down at her body with considerable disgust and annoyance, Ranma answered with all the long suffering and sour disappointment she could muster: "Just a curse, thanks."

The Doctor blushed and turned away. Ship's Engineer Sparklebrook rolled his eyes as if to say 'that's a curse'. Simon had another sneezing fit. And the Countess?

The Countess gave Ranma a long, slow, head to toe examination before repeating that chilly, Nabiki-like smile of hers.

"Well, well, well. And do you revert to the masculine form?"

"Y-yeah. I just need warm water."

"I see." The Countess turned her icy smile to the others. "Gentlemen, I have my new bodyguard. Please render Saotome-kun all necessary assistance in getting settled."

"…and that, more or less, is how I joined the crew of HMS Thomas Olam as Her Ladyship's personal attendant and bodyguard. Unpaid, naturally, until such time as my accumulated salary equalled the cost of repairs to the aeroship." Ranma sipped his tea. "Needless to say the first few days were rather stressful! But soon enough Her Ladyship and I came to a passable agreement on delicate matters and things improved thereafter."

Akane clenched and unclenched her fists under the table, fighting down the impulse to hit her former fiancé. Old habits die hard, but if she hit him now, yelled at him, he'd leave again.

"Oh, my! Wasn't that improper?" Kasumi blushed slightly and refilled his teacup.

"Not in the least," Ranma smiled. "Her Ladyship neither needed nor desired my presence on board the ship. She's an independent woman of means. The very thought of being waited on hand and foot offends her deeply! I merely accompanied her whenever she appeared in public away from the ship. For example, I soon found out why she desired to secure a bodyguard…"

To Be Continued in:

Victorian One-Half

Chapter the Second

Wherein the reasons underlying Her Ladyship's peculiar choice in bodyguard become clear, Ranma receives his first lessons, sartorial arrangements are improvised, and Simon Vassal has a lie-down.


	2. Chapter the Second

Disclaimer: The author of the following narrative entertainment wishes it known that the various principals involved, specifically the characters from the whimsical periodical known as Ranma ½, are here used with neither the knowledge nor the permission of their creator. Neither are the elements of the world of Castle Falkenstein his, and all rights and privileges for these materials remain in the hands of those who by law carry them. It ought also be advised that some characters shall not remain as they are commonly perceived, and many unusual events will unfold. While reviews are accepted, we humbly request that you remain civil and above all do not seek to inform us of these deviations, given that you are hereby warned of them beforehand. Thank you ever so much.

**Victorian One-Half**

Chapter the Second

(wherein the reasons underlying Her Ladyship's peculiar choice in bodyguard become clear, sartorial arrangements are improvised, and Simon Vassal has a lie-down)

-o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o-

"…and that, more or less, is how I joined the crew of HMS Thomas Olam as Her Ladyship's personal attendant and bodyguard. Unpaid, naturally, until such time as my accumulated salary equaled the cost of repairs to the aeroship." Ranma sipped his tea. "Needless to say the first few days were rather stressful! But soon enough Her Ladyship and I came to a passable agreement on delicate matters and things improved thereafter."

Akane clenched and unclenched her fists under the table, fighting down the impulse to hit her former fiancé. Old habits die hard, but if she hit him now, yelled at him, he'd leave again.

"Oh, my! Wasn't that improper?" Kasumi blushed slightly and refilled his teacup.

"Not in the least," Ranma smiled. "Her Ladyship neither needed nor desired my presence on board the ship. She's an independent woman of means. The very thought of being waited on hand and foot offends her deeply! I merely accompanied her whenever she appeared in public away from the ship. For example, I soon found out why she desired to secure a bodyguard…"

-o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o-

The next few hours were a whirl. Doctor Simms and Sparklebrook helped Ranma 'settle in', as they called it…not that he truly needed the help, having arrived with no possessions other than his now ruined and discarded clothing. In any case he was assigned the tiny room in which he had awakened, and then Doctor Simms kindly brought him some warm water so that he could revert to his birth form. After that, he and the Dwarf showed Ranma the extent of the damage to _Thomas Olam_.

The hole was not a mere outline of his body, as Ranma had half expected, but rather a roughly ovoid and jagged edged tear in the surprisingly thin hull. Just inside was a damaged mechanism that had been hit first by fragments of the hull and then by Ranma. The mechanism was dented and misaligned, but appeared fo be repairable.

"I did all that?"

"You did indeed," Sparklebrook sighed and shook his head wearily. "You're tougher than you look, my lad!"

"Yeah, I guess. Sorry…"

The Dwarf glanced up sharply. "You said, did you not, that it was a girl who got you all the way up here?"

"Yeah. She just goes off, no telling why…never listens…and it's always my fault," Ranma frowned. "Just ask anybody," he added sadly. "I always get stuck with cleanin' up the mess."

"Which mess would that be, precisely?"

"All of 'em."

Dwarf and Doctor shared a meaningful look.

"I think," Simms said carefully, "that perhaps we may have over-reacted to your unexpected arrival. You must understand that Her Ladyship has reason to be concerned."

"Damage isn't all that bad, really," Sparklebrook grumbled guiltily. "Half of this I can repair in a day or two even without help…won't even be as expensive…"

Ranma turned to look at them quizzically.

"So it ain't that bad after all?"

Sparklebrook squirmed in a guilty sort of way. "In truth, it is not. From long experience, however, I have found it is far better to tell Her Ladyship it's a disaster and then fix it quickly than to tell her it won't take long and then have to go for a major overhaul."

"Oh." Ranma blinked. "So, uhm, it looks worse than it is?"

"Unlike most of our other problems, yes," the good Doctor clapped him on the shoulder. "But in spite of his little quirks, Sparklebrook is an honest craftsman and the accounting he will give to Her Ladyship will be accurate to the last farthing. You may count on that."

Sparklebrook flinched again at 'honest' but nodded agreement nonetheless, and that settled the question of repairs.

-o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o-

A while later, Tea was served, and Ranma endured the first of many puzzling afternoon rituals—Kasumi's loving preparations of refreshments came instantly to mind as he was softly coached by Doctor Simms, who sat to his right while the Countess enjoyed her afternoon cup. Later still, supper…and more coaching in the esoteric art of good table manners under the critical gaze of his new employer. Certain elements of Martial Arts Tea Ceremony and French Cuisine Technique came back to him, and they must have helped a little. Remembering that Genma was not here to steal his food was even more useful! Thus Ranma restrained himself and found that the food, while unusual, was quite tasty.

Afterwards, the Countess sat and regarded him through half-closed eyes, that calculating smirk on her lips.

"You are not _entirely_ unsalvageable," she declared at long last, "but you must work diligently at this, and I suspect you have no stomach for the courtly graces we require of you."

She paused, and only the good Doctor's hand at his elbow kept Ranma from blurting out something regrettable.

"This will require some effort, as we have only a short time to turn you into the very model of a proper courtier. Are you able to dance?"

Ranma shook his head slowly.

"Dance lessons, along with elocution, etiquette…the cost of your presence grows by leaps and bounds! Nevertheless," the woman glanced at Doctor Simms. "I suppose you shall have to do, after all. And once we have our handsome young courtier and his beautiful if avant-garde sister at our disposal, Doctor, I do believe we shall see a complete return on the required investment. Yes?"

"Indubitably, Your Grace."

"S-sister?" Ranma finally won free of Doctor Simms' restraining influence, blurting out the obvious question…and receiving in return the lady's musical laughter.

"How else am I to explain your other self," she explained, in a tone usually reserved for small children and simpletons. "Not that I am bound to look a gift horse in the mouth, no matter how wild he proves," she added (eliciting a groan from both Sparklebrook and Simon, the latter seated as far from Ranma as he could manage in the close confines of the dining room). Doctor Simms merely shook his head.

"Your Grace has recovered her sense of humor," he said. "Shall I take it that you are feeling somewhat better?"

"Yes, Doctor, I have…and I am." Her gaze fixed on Ranma for a moment. "Tell me, dear boy…do others ever find you particularly amusing?"

Thinking of Nabiki, Ranma flushed and nodded jerkily.

"Permit me to expand upon our arrangement. For now, I would educate you only so far as the situation requires. You must be able to pass among the highest level of society as flawlessly as one of your hopelessly base origins and upbringing will allow, yet remain unobtrusive. That is a bodyguard's role, and this you know. However…" Her fingers drummed on the table for a moment. "It offends my sense of elegance to have a servant of mine, _any_ servant, so easily manipulated. Such lack of decorum is most distasteful and quite unbecoming. I propose to further your intellectual development in a manner which ought to allow you to turn the tables on those who would so use you."

"Uhh…ya mean…" Ranma cleared his throat. "Ya wanna help me think better?"

"Just so." She looked at the Doctor, then Simon. "You understand that it shall take some time for you to work off your incurred debt?"

"Yeah, I know."

"This means that you are likely to be working for me even after my present requirement for your sister's presence at certain social events has lapsed."

"Uhm…"

"It is therefore in my interests to make you into a more fully rounded person," she finished sternly. "I've no doubt your sire and dam have impressed upon you the way in which your performance reflects upon them?"

Ranma flinched and nodded.

"Just so." Her voice softened, just a little. "Granted that our relationship is professional rather than familial or familiar, it would be remiss of me not to see to your improvement. And now I must explain why your presence is necessary. To be quite frank, I am here on Crown business."

"Crown…?"

"I am the personal representative of King Ludwig the Second of Bayern. Now, if you were so gauche as to ask His Majesty of the reason for my visit to Japan, he would say with all honesty that I am here to discuss matters pertaining to cultural exchange. Japan is opening to the world, and Bayern is naturally interested in developing friendly ties, et cetera, et cetera. Thus I must attend all manner of diplomatic luncheons, tea ceremonies, and the like, so that the good intentions of Crown and Country may be properly represented."

She cleared her throat and smiled dryly.

"Unofficially, we are here to keep an eye on one Lord Tomino, whose primary contribution to the world has been his Giant Steam Automaton. He attempted to seize control of Tokyo and declare himself Emperor shortly after the Meiji Restoration. Needless to say, he was defeated, his infernal engine demolished, and all was well for a time. Unfortunately he has resurfaced in Hokkaido with a rebuilt. A troubling situation, wouldn't you say? To make matters worse, some of those who do not feel that the current reforms are to their liking have begun giving their discrete support to Lord Tomino."

Ranma nodded for her to continue, hoping that soon this would begin to make sense.

"As I'm sure you understand full well, Bayern does not like the idea of sitting placidly off to the side while a bright young Emperor like yours is threatened by a villainous blackguard like Tomino. Yet at the same time it would be a grave and intolerable insult to Japan's sovereignty if Bayern were to suddenly intervene, lacking solid ties and without so much as a formal invitation. Which brings me to the reason I shall need your expertise."

At long last, Ranma silently added.

"Tell me, young man, are you at all familiar with a noble family by the name of Kuno?"

Ranma eventually stopped coughing and spluttering long enough to learn the basics, although the Countess had to go over the details a few times: firstly, that over the course of her endless socializing, the Countess had discovered that the House of Kuno was one of Lord Tomino's 'secret' backers. Second, that the present heir apparent had developed an interest in the Countess in spite of her clear yet courteous refusals. Thirdly, that he had already tried to have her abducted once and was only foiled because she was able to escape to the refuge of _Thomas Olam_.

"They ain't changed a bit," he grumbled, to Her Ladyship's ill-concealed amusement. "I had two of 'em on my case and what they wouldn't try…"

His voice trailed off as it hit him that now, Akane had no help against either Kuno. Not that she really seemed to need it anymore, not after everything else: the Blue Thunder was but a light warm-up, and Kodachi was only a threat if she caught someone unawares. His sobriety proved catching, as the Countess suppressed her smile.

"I see you understand my predicament," she said dryly. "I have great need of a bodyguard who can follow me wherever I go, speaks the language fluently, and will have no qualms whatsoever about defending my person against the retainers of Lord Kuno the Younger."

Ranma calmed himself, then nodded agreement. Thinking over his words carefully, trying to match her measured tone and formal style he said, "I accept. It's my duty as a martial artist to help those in need." Then he managed a grin. "Besides, it's Kuno."

This time, Kodachi's older look-alike smiled with something like genuine warmth.

-o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o-

Later, much later, Ranma huddled by the stern railing, looking down at Tokyo and trying to wrap his head around everything that had happened so far—he was in the past, or someone else's past, and there were Kunos here, too. There was probably a Tendo compound, if he really wanted to tempt fate. Or track down the Saotome clan…his thoughts grew darker and darker the more he thought, and he would have invoked the Soul of Ice technique within a few minutes when Simon approached, heralding his presence with a massive sneeze. Turning, Ranma found the Dragon holding a handkerchief over his nose, his red velvet suit in disarray.

"Ah, yes, Ranma. I see His Grace's uniform agrees with you."

"Sorry, what?"

"The dress uniform. It belonged to Her Ladyship's husband when he was a much younger and much fitter man. I believe she kept it out of some curious sense of sentimentality." The Dragon made a dismissive gesture. "In any case, it suits you…which is why I'm here." He sneezed again. "Do hold still, there's a bright lad."

Sniffling, the Dragon made a few complex hand gestures and muttered under his breath for several minutes. Ranma quickly grew bored, but just as he thought to turn away, he felt an all-too familiar tingle as he changed form.

"Hey!"

"Ah," Simon smiled as he saw the fruits of his magick. "Perfect!"

"Whaddya mean, perfect? I changed without water! How'd you do that?"

Another sneeze interrupted the Dragon's clear pleasure at a job well done, even as Ranma looked down at the dry, well-tailored uniform…and realization dawned.

"It still fits? It fits even better than it did!"

"Quite so. Now you shall not have to change your clothes should any accidents occur." Simon gave a mischievous grin that would have seemed more at home on a schoolboy. "Also, you shan't need to have it cleaned anytime soon, and the uniform shall dry itself swiftly."

"Uhm, thank you?"

"You're quite welcome, Ranma. It did occur to me that you might find some small charms useful, and I happened to remember something an uncle of mine thought up so that he would not have to constantly purchase new suits while abroad. I'm rather pleased to find that my variation is so successful." He sneezed again, more violently. "Oh, bother…"

Another sneeze followed, then another, until with one massive attack, the tall and slender man with unruly blonde hair vanished and was replaced by a large winged creature that seemed more Pterodactyl than anything else. It had red-rimmed eyes and sniffled piteously.

"Drat," it said in a voice both nasally and hollow, but recognizably Simon's. "That's only supposed to happen if I intend it! Blasted allergies!"

"You okay?" Ranma edged around the Dragon cautiously.

"Oh, yes, nothing your absence won't cure…nothing personal, lad." Simon sounded a touch morose and let his head droop. "In a few days I expect you'll cease setting off my allergies. For now, however, I'm glad I thought of that spell."

"Oh?" Ranma felt his stomach drop. "Why?"

"Because, lad, there's a soiree tomorrow that Her Grace simply must attend, and it's ladies only. Which rules out myself, the good Doctor, and Sparklebrook."

Ranma winced, and that's when the Dragon coughed gently.

"One other thing. It's being held at the Kuno Estate. Just thought you ought to know beforehand."

-o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o-

Kasumi laughed softly.

"Oh, Ranma-kun, you always seem to find the most interesting sorts of trouble!"

The young man simply smiled and nodded.

"It was not quite as bad as one might expect, Miss Kasumi. In point of fact, it was worse! You see, while we had no way of knowing it at the time, Lord Tomino had been forced to make a few concessions to his backers, and…but I'm getting ahead of myself."

Akane carefully set down her teacup.

"So you're smart now?"

"Less of a naïf, Miss Akane. I'd not go so far as to say that I've become intelligent, and my judgment under pressure is as questionable as ever." Ranma winked. "At the same time, I could possibly outfox Nabiki were I to put my mind to it. Strange, I know, but I've learned Martial Arts Intrigue and Diplomacy Fu. Unless Nabiki has been negotiating contracts with a Sidhe, I might have an unfair advantage."

"Sidhe? You mean, uhm, elves?" Akane blushed at the wink and tried not to giggle like a schoolgirl.

"Faeries. I'll get to them later. First, though, I should get to my social debut at the Kuno Estate…"

-o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o- -o0o-

To be Continued in

Victorian One-Half

**Chapter the Third**

(in which Ranma meets yet another Kuno and an Infernal Machine is encountered)

**Author's Addendum:**

In all candor, this story was meant as little more than a lighthearted jape. However, from all the reviews that came in within twelve hours of it being posted, it appears to have succeeded beyond my expectations. A hearty 'thank you' to all my reviewers! And heartfelt apologies to all who did not receive a response in a timely fashion—other business interrupted, as it so often does…as the lengthy delay in the posting of this update demonstrates most clearly.


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